"No wasted time, we're alive today
Churning up the past, there's no easier way
Time's been between us, a means to an end
God it's good to be here walking together my friend"
Today, while venturing into the backwoods on a quest to find wild yarrow, I came across an abandoned site. It was an old fort that my kids had started. I stood there in the quiet forest admiring the bits of wood they had salvaged. The time they took to haul everything and nail things together whispers of great adventure. The fort has succumbed to the elements but I can still hear my children in the moment; carefree with the world at their fingertips. As I stand there my nose catches a scent of yarrow. Just beyond the fort stands a large round of tall yarrow swaying in the wind. With long stems holding high its bounty of pink blossoms, it's scent waves me forward to collect the stems needed in my process. And then, in the middle of the Yarrow patch, I was visited by my own childhood memories of timeless adventure.
I was the youngest of four sisters and until I was 6 we lived in central Manning near the elementary schools. During those days I spent a lot of time making myself as quiet as possible. In my house it was better to be hidden because being seen brought nothing but pain. My days were spent on my bike riding a daily circuit seeking happiness. My first stop would be the library where I would kick off my shoes and, after a quick lavender scented hug from our librarian Mrs. Daigle, I would head over to the kids section to dive into the newest "Littles" adventure. Our librarian was soft and cuddly and always had a smile ready to greet me on my toughest days. In my moments of sadness or fear she always knew how to steer me toward a good day. Then I would go next door to check in with my favorite person in the world, Kath. A longtime friend of the family she always welcomed me with an open cookie jar and cold milk. She had many interesting secrets to share. I often would dress up in items from her basement wardrobe and Kath would help me make up stories to perform usually playing one of the characters. To my livelihood she was the equivalent to a daily Flintstone vitamin.
After I had a dose of goodness I would head on over to the local confectionary on the corner of main street. It used to have a card shack across the street frequented by my dad at which time I was given 25 cents to but a two cent cinnamon heart candy and an orange crush float at the confectionary. The man who ran that confectionary had gentle eyes and he would show me pictures from magazines that showed adventures in other lands. He would tell me funny stories and encourage me to travel when I grew up. There was something about him that made me keep coming back everyday in the summer just for the hopeful conversation. He would say things like, "time flies when you are having fun" or "there is no time like the present". In those days my concept of time was governed by two things; when the fire siren rang out lunch was ready and when the street lights came on the game of hide and seek was over.
I have since come to know the time can be a real bitch. As a recovering swim mom I can tell you of summer days of 3 hour practices and weekends of mind numbing travel. I remember thinking that a busy life meant a successful life. The more things that we had going on the more normal we seemed. Usually wearing our busy lifestyle like a badge of merit, swim moms gathered poolside to trump one another with evidence of being too busy. The swim moms were the same moms during hockey and baseball season; hell bent to keep their children super busy and anchored in the "popular crowd". To set the record straight I won most of those contests because I made it a lifestyle to stay so busy that it was impossible to see the pain that raged inside of me. In fact I spent so much time seeming to be normal that I forgot to live my life.
Einstein theorized that time is relative and depends solely on the observer's point of reference. When we live our lives in a whirlwind of being busy our point of reference is drastically different than people who are simply taking things one moment at a time. The busier we make ourselves the faster time flies and the less time we have to really digest the things that are happening around us. Slowing down to breath in moments helps us to hold a space for our minds to create clarity and meaning. The truth is that our lives are filled with little moments of pain, which if left unhealed, can add up to a lifetime of suffering. After years of living a busy life I can tell you that there are large chunks of time that have slipped from my memory. In quiet moments of reflection that idea haunts me enough to lean in.
Today I sit in my studio quietly placing the yarrow that I picked onto water color paper. With another piece on top I gently pound the papers together forming the start of a background. The memory hits of a five year old girl with teary eyes upon the news of fire sweeping through a confectionary ending her daily ritual of gathering hope. The colors come instinctually in the moment and as I feel them. Now dripping from my paintbrush in hues of orange crush and burnt cinnamon, the paint spreads and marries with the yarrow's faint outline. In the end I am left with a timeless picture with a sharp, painful point of reference. I smile and drink in my masterpiece that has been created from releasing my pain. With Stevie Ray Vaughan's guitar filling the room with gratitude I look out onto the back forest and remember those innocent days of summer when happiness bloomed. I promise myself that when the urgency to get busy visits I will pause and lean in, breathing in every moment like it is my last. Today, positioning another stem of yarrow, I move slowly and methodically through my healing process. With feet firmly rooted, I sway fluently in the wind with only the intention of gathering peace.
Anastasia Jorquera-Boschman is a retired teacher, principal and educational consultant. In her current life she spends her time writing, speaking and holding space for others to heal their trauma as a Trauma-Informed Coach. During the summer days she can be found in patches of wildflowers throughout lake country with the intention of gathering peace.
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